Fostering - What Other People Are Saying

Recently, a fellow foster parent wrote an article entitled What Foster Parents Wish Other People Knew about fostering. Honestly, she was spot on even though her tone sounded a little annoyed. But I get it. Some of the questions and comments are just too personal, especially in the midst of a new placement. Everything is so stressful, tiring and fragile. You just need people to say "I'll bring you dinner in an hour" or "what size diapers do you need?".

Today, NPR interviewed a foster mom of 15 years (she's fostered over 40 kids!!!) and they discussed the foster care system in America as well as her personal experience with fostering. Michelle (foster mom) also spoke and answered questions pertaining to the blog post.The interview was specifically about what foster parents WISH other people knew or understood about fostering and even included calls from fellow foster parents.

In light of people calling her a saint - "I didn't save him, but what really I did for him was allow him to be a child....as small of a time as that was, he remembered." - Michelle talking about caring for a 4 year old boy for only a month long.

Elijah IN LOVE with baby J

Paraphrased from the interview : "People worry you'll damage your own children and think 'how could you do this?' but the benefits far outweigh anything else. We are learning and gaining so much more from these children than they are probably gaining from us!" I couldn't agree more. Our family is better off for having stepped into fostering than if we had just protected ourselves from a possible mess. I'm so thankful for how Dan and I have grown in our marriage and am proud of my boys and their heart for the needy.


The one I relate to most is when people ask "Are you hoping to adopt him/her?" or "How long will you have them?". The time line for knowing the long term plan is SOOOOOO long, we don't have a clue about the future. Even more, legally, foster children don't even begin down the adoption road until 18 months after being placed in a foster home.

I know this because I took the classes, am licensed and understand the process. In that way, it's unfair for us foster parents to be annoyed with those who are just interested, excited or concerned. Still, I'm hoping this blog post (and NPR interview!) will be read and heard by many. I also pray that I'll have more patience and grace in answering these questions from family and friends.

If you want to read more, Kait of Eventually Someday wrote an excellent yet raw post about her first foster placement. She and her husband have already adopted 4 children and are now answering the call to foster. Is it hard? YES! Are they crazy? NO! They are faithful to answer a call that many of us hear but turn our ears from. That does not make them saints, just faithful. I love what she says in response to this question posed to her in the fostering training class (of all places!!!): "You have that much on your plate so WHY ARE YOU HERE?"

You'll just have to read her take on it :) As always, Dan and I are true advocates for these children and believe that even though the system may be flawed, fostering is a need anyone can fill. I'm always open to talking with anyone who is interested in answering the call.

Fostering and Saying Goodbye

Just like there are three distinct stages of adjustment with each new foster placement, I go through three more stages when we say goodbye. This week, baby J is left us to live with an aunt and we are truly happy for him. Still, it all happened very quickly (as in, 1 hour!) and there's an adjustment we all go through.

Dan and I react differently from the kids, who only go through one stage : sadness. After a foster child has left our home, the boys spend the following days talking about them and looking for them as if they are still here. It takes a while for them to get used to a smaller family. Elijah still talks about the 3 babies we've had, names them all and says "they are my favorite babies ever, mom!". It's so so sweet.

Like I said, it's a bit different for Dan and I. We seem to go through three distinct phases of adjustment.

1. Relief. 

In many ways, fostering is like a very long babysitting gig. If you've ever babysat, you know the feeling of relief that comes over you when you hear the parents coming through the door. Ahh! Time to go home to my quiet peaceful house. Well,  the first few nights after a foster child leaves, everyone sleeps deeply. We all relax a little and take a few days off to readjust as a family. The appointments and visits cease and it's simply a big relief.

2. Mourning.
After a few days, people begin to ask what happened since we no longer have an extra child with us. We spend the next few weeks updating everyone on the story and as we talk about our latest foster child, we miss them. It's been especially hard with baby J because we brought him home from the hospital. He was so teeny tiny. Besides the nurses, we were the only people who cared for him. What if the aunt doesn't know that he needs to burp when he throws his head back? I worry, but just have to pray for him and his future.

3. Excitement for the future.
There comes a time (usually a month later) when we begin to prepare for the next placement. We never know when we'll get the call but I begin to imagine who it will be. In this particular case, Dan and I are taking a longer break as our future is not quite certain. We just want to get through graduation (in May!!) and then go from there.

With the busy-ness of helping everyone else through change, I have to remember to give myself time to process. I am pretty task oriented and won't stop to think unless I make a point to do so. Yesterday and today have been set aside for just that. Especially before an incredibly busy weekend!!

Three Stages of Adjustment

We've had baby J for three weeks now and life is feeling normal again. This being our third placement, I'm realizing some patterns of adjustment that happen with each one. The kids only take about 3 days to get used to a new person in the house. A week goes by and the boys no longer wake up when the baby cries in the middle of the night. I'm so thankful for flexible children!!

Myself, well, I'm a different story. This is how I personally adjust to each placement:

Week 1 : CRYING. 

When I see the child for the first time, my heart overflows with love, compassion and a sudden need to protect them. This was especially the case with baby J, because I met him on day 4 of his little life, and in the NICU no less. As I learn about his story and why he came into care, my heart can barely take it. I cry at night, I cry when I'm feeding him, I cry when I talk to people about him. It's uncontrollable.

Week 2 : Don't forget the baby! 

We've never actually forgotten a foster child anywhere, but there is that strange moment of "wait, we need to bring more stuff with us, right? Ok, diapers, bottles, wow. We have a baby again!". It's very different from waiting 9 months for a baby's arrival. With fostering, you literally have hours to prepare yourself for the new placement and it's hard to wrap your mind around it. Once baby J came home to us, I had to make so many mental notes to take care of him and not forget anything! Dan and I hear him crying at night and say "baby's crying.... OH, THE baby is crying! We've got to feed him!".

Week 3 : A new normal.

The diaper bag is constantly updated and re-stocked. I know baby J's cries, his schedules and his needs. I feel comfortable feeding him while breaking up a fight between my older two. It's all normal stuff to us now and we're back to regular life activities. Week 3 feels so so good!!

It does take time to adjust my expectations for myself as a mother, wife and friend. Especially having a newborn placement, it's been difficult for me to be at home more often. Spontaneity is back out the window and the loneliness creeps in. With time, my confidence grows and the stress subsides and things are calm. I'm definitely looking forward to warmer weather, though! The older boys are starting to get rowdy!

Me and ALL My Boys

One night, there were two little boys, giggling with daddy and reading books.

{those are silly glasses by the way...}

All of a sudden, we're up at 6am with three little boys. Thankfully, they are still giggling with daddy :)

With fostering, things change over night. You had plans for the weekend? Gone. Heck, plans for the afternoon? Haha, not anymore. Your world is turned upside down and suddenly, you're week is filled with appointments instead of play dates.

After a weekend in the NICU, our new littlest foster placement is home and fitting right in. It always takes a few days to get used to a new person in the house, to learn their language and get better at stepping over the baby seat instead of stubbing your toe on it.

This particular case is very new. There are lots of unanswered questions and the future is still unclear. For now, we are camping out as a family of 5.

Roller Coaster Weekend

This weekend has been a roller coaster ride! It all began Thursday afternoon when a phone call interrupted my nap (my first in weeks, so very very special). It was about a potential foster placement.

{What? It's been so long since our last placement, I kind of forgot we did that crazy thing!}

I barely heard what the poor lady said but I was able to mumble out "uh, I'll talk with my husband and call you right back." It wasn't until I talked with Dan that I realized this placement was for a newborn BOY.

The back story of all this is, well, to put it simply - I WANT A DAUGHTER!!! Okay, I said it here on the blog. Judge away.

Honestly, I love my boys more than life itself. I've been surprised by how fun life is with two boys. BUT, I have longed for a daughter in my life. I have two dear sisters whom I can't live without and my relationship with mom would make you pretty jealous. I want that with my children, too!

Over the last 6 months though, God has been changing my heart on this issue. As Dan and I discuss adoption and having more children, I've begun to imagine myself as a mother of all boys. Not only have I come to terms with that possibility, but I actually get excited about it.

SO, here's where our next foster placement comes in. 

Y'all, HE has stolen. my. heart!!!!

He was born just a few days ago but hasn't yet been released from the hospital due to jaundice. We have spent the weekend dropping kids off with friends so we can spend time with our newest little guy in the NICU. Every time I see him, my heart skips a beat and I cry when I leave him. I want to study his face, all his thick dark hair and the fuzz on his shoulders. He's so fresh. So new and fragile. My heart aches to protect him from all the bad that surrounds him.

As always, we have NO idea what the future holds but I'm surrendering myself to God's plan. I've know Him long enough to know that HE is ALWAYS right. ALWAYS!

I cannot believe it, but I've fallen in love with yet another baby boy and now I know for sure that God's plan for our family (whether they stay forever or only for a while) is absolutely what I need. Hopefully, we'll be bringing baby boy home tomorrow. Time to put away the pink and bring out the blues!

Heroes or Followers of God?

I totally meant to share this at Thanksgiving, but better late than never! It's a news story about some friends of ours from church. Not only are they friends, they are role models. They are the very family that put the fostering seed in our minds, encouraged us to consider taking in stranger kids and then brought us a meal with our first placement.

Micah and Heather Maupin have hosted adoption discussion nights at their house. They've been open about their struggles and joys of their growing family (11 kids and 1 on the way!). They've helped countless families as they began their own foster and adoptive journeys. In short, they are great. But they aren't perfect.

I think it's important not to put people on pedestals. So many people have praised Dan and I for fostering. They've called us angels and heroes. But we are so far from that!! If only they knew the ways we failed our kids and each other in the process. If only they knew the struggles we've had just to love a handful of children who weren't ours. Micah and Heather constantly point people to God as their reason to adopt, their strength to raise 11 children and their comfort in the midst of their failures. It's important to them, and us, that people know we are simply following God with this, as many of YOU are following God's call to do so many wonderful things with your lives!!

"You never really know if you can do something until you actually try it. They add so much more to our lives than what we think we are going to give to them." - Micah

It's like I say with natural childbirth, I don't foster because I'm strong or good at it or because I'm some mama warrior. No, I do it because I think it's important and right to do so. It's really hard (read: annoying, painful, gross, dirty, stinky, tiring, boring and lonely) to foster, but that's not a reason NOT to foster.

I dreamed last week that we got a call for twin 17 month old girls. I woke up sad to realize it was only a dream. Still praying for the right kid(s) to join us for a while!!

Feeling Responsible

In the last 2 months, we've been called for four foster placements and only said "yes" to one. We've talked about how fostering and adopting is strange because you feel more in control of your family. You literally go through a list of things you want or don't want in a child, all the way down to age, race and gender. Though it's true we have technically "chosen" who can or cannot come into our home, it is also true that it is God who decides. Just like He gives us our biological children to care for, God has a list of little lives He wants to bless us with through fostering. It is not up to us!!

There are reasons we said "no" to the other placements; timing, illness or just the truth of the overwhelming task it would be. For one possible placement, we didn't get back in touch with the case worker in time and they found another family. Disappointment and confusion are all part of the waiting game with fostering. When the call comes, there is a rush of adrenaline that floods the house. As details are shared and the work load is better understood, the sense of responsibility overcome you. "What will happen if we don't take these sick newborn twins? We are responsible for their lives! How can we say NO?".

The truth is, God loves these children and cares for them whether that's through our family or somewhere else. In order for Dan and I to give what these children need, we have to be prayerful and smart about who or what we take on.

We cannot wait for our next placement and what it will mean for our family. We are ready to jump back in, grow, be stretched and share all that we have with whoever God chooses to give us. But waiting is so so hard! In the meantime, I"m trying to enjoy the quiet before the next storm. Thankfully, our city has lots of ways to keep distracted!

Our library story time ROCKS! Stories, songs and a craft make Monday mornings feel like vacation. (If you're in St. Louis, come join us! Story time at the Kings HWY branch in South City starts at 10:30am Monday mornings!)

Story/craft time at the Missouri History Museum (St. Louis residents, this is a great way to spend a Friday or Saturday morning in the cold winter months! Kid zone is open from 10am-12pm with story time at 10:30am!!)

Gaining serious cool points for driving my kids to an amazing space ship playground!

Then, there's the usual play dates at our house. Watching 4 boys and 1 girl under 5 yrs old. I don't want to get rusty! I've got to keep up on my 'watch multiple kids under a tiny age' skills!

(the little girl and I played doll house all morning!)

Building a "wild dragon fortress" with Elijah.

It's nice to have time with my boys, to sleep through the night and to be able to go out on a moments notice. Still, I'm eager to care for the lost and forgotten, the sick and abandoned. Hopefully this post will be followed by one of a placement announcement!

Letting Go

A week of extra cuddles and cuteness. A week of pink and purple. All it took was a week. We all fell in love. I'm thankful things were resolved with her family, but I'm worried about her future, too. It's not up to me and letting go of control is really hard to do. Letting her go today was really hard to do.

"But she just got here!" was Elijah's reaction. Honestly, it was mine, too.

It was a busy weekend. We didn't get away, we didn't sleep AT ALL. Dan survived his 13 hour work day and then I rushed off to an all night birth. It was almost funny, the way it all worked out. But I'm glad we trusted God and said "yes" to this little girl. She was part of our family for 5 days. We really didn't give up anything important, but we gave her so much.

I guess we wait now for another call, another little life to fall in love with, another situation to throw ourselves into. I'm thankful for this weekend and the sweet time we had with this baby girl. I learned a lot.

And Just Like That....

...we have a baby! This morning, I got a call for a new foster placement. We've gotten two calls in the last month for a set of siblings. After our last experience, we knew we could only take on one more child while Dan is in class and away from home so much. SO, when I got the call for a 5 month old baby girl, I said "yes" without even asking for her name!

A few hours later, we met the sweet thing and now she lays, sleepy eyed in the sling while my boys "craft" with feathers and tissue paper and I type along to Christmas music (don't judge me!). It's strange how one phone call can change the entire game.

Welcome to the chaos little girl!

Dan and I had big plans for a night without kids this weekend. Movies, museums and SLEEP were all in the plans. Along with a 13 hour work day for Dan and a women's marriage conference for me on Saturday. Oh, and I have a doula client who is overdue. Of course.

Taking this baby girl in meant letting go of our plans. Or rather, giving them to the Lord. He provided a way for us to help this tiny person and He will provide a way for us to get through the weekend.

Dan is in class until 9:30 tonight. He won't even meet baby girl until the morning. Well, who knows. He might be meeting her over and over again throughout the night! I'm just so thankful we have the time and means to take this child in and support her through a rough time in her life. She doesn't know it, but she is loved by four strangers who don't share her name, skin color, culture, neighborhood or so many other things. But, circumstances have united us together this afternoon and I'm happy to have her. Even if it means my date night has to wait :)

You Don't Know What You've Got Till You Get More

I came across an old blog post about how having two kids was kicking my butt. Wow! I laughed.

That's not to play down mothers of two children. Truth is, it IS hard! Suddenly, your time and attention are split in half and it takes some adjusting. Going from two to four, on the other hand, is a serious slap in the face. Sure, we got used to it, but I don't think I sat down for 7 weeks straight unless I was driving the car.

I've been in Indianapolis this weekend visiting my sister and her adorable family. It's just me and the boys. Easy peasy. Strange how the same job can feel so much easier with just a slightly different perspective. I have enjoyed spending more time with our boys and pouring all my energy into them. Having the girls for a while and then letting them go really opened my eyes to how wonderful we have it. Our boys are strong and healthy. They are growing and learning without delays.

It's crazy, but I didn't really know what we had until we had more. Now that the girls are gone, I feel like I can see my boys for the sweet funny little people that they are and I'm absolutely falling in love all over again.

Dan Says the Darndest Things!

It's been a stressful time here at the Robbins home. When we got placed with our foster girls two months ago, our work load as parents doubled, wait....it actually probably tripled! Anyways, Dan has been very tired which means he is constantly making me laugh with comment that can only come from a person who is only half awake. Not only did he call one of our girls by the name "Vienna Sausages" for a while (both he and Eli could never remember her name, ha!), but he also provided me with these gems:

Dan - "I signed up for Amazon Prime today! It was only $40 because I'm a student!"

Me - "Wait, didn't we talk about doing that a looooooong time ago?"

Dan - "Well, we forgot. I think we talked about it but then our life was destroyed and then we got pooped on."

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Me - "What are we doing tomorrow?"

Dan - "We're gong to sell the kids for a million bucks and then go to Bermuda."

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After a long day, we're laying in bed and Dan says to me "Ugh, I don't want to change anymore diapers. . . I don't want tomorrow to happen."

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The truth is, Dan loves our children and the ones that aren't ours. He is always willing to play games or read books or encourage pretend play with the kids. He's always pretty open about his impatience but he's actually pretty dang great at being a dad. I just don't think he knows it.



I just love it when the kids are in bed and he allows himself to be cranky tired. It's hilarious! 

Fostering - Saying Goodbye

The number one question people ask us when we talk about fostering is "But won't you be sad if/when they go back?". Possibly having feelings of sadness in the future is NO reason not to do something, but many people do not even consider fostering because it would be "too sad to let them go".

Foster children are not your own in the first place. You are basically a nanny 24/7 for these children until another solution has been made for them. Sometimes, that is adoption, but often times, it's a new placement with a family member. The goal of fostering is always to re-unite, so in a way, it's foolish to think you could keep them unless it absolutely begins to go that way.

In this particular case, the girls are leaving today to live with their aunt. She moved to the area from out of state to be part of this process and I believe it can be a very good thing. She has experience with adult autism which will be incredibly useful with the oldest sister. She's passionate about children and cares very much about what happens to this family. She is invested emotionally but will also gain similar training to what we did through STARS. I have no doubt she will be a wonderful caregiver to the girls.

So, how do we feel about the girls leaving? Equals parts sadness and relief. We have become one big crazy happy family, but it's not without a TON of work each and every second of every day. Dan is back in school now and we know for a fact that four children 4 and under is just a bit too hard for us right now. We were dedicated to seeing this placement through to the end, but we are grateful that the timing worked out when it did. As well, we always knew from the beginning that this particular placement would never turn into an adoption.

Baby sister was 6 months old when she came to us. She was skinny and couldn't really move around. Now, she's 8 months old, rolls like a puppy and can sit on her own. Oh, and she has rolls like a puppy, too! Big sister was skiddish at first, never making eye contact, running through the house and screaming if we tried to touch her. Now, she happily bathes, eats well and plays games with us. She sleeps in her own bed and mostly walks throughout the house (she and Lazzy love to chase each other around!). We taught her a few words and baby sign language to help keep screaming to a minimum. I cannot believe the progress they have made in such short time!

{we're gonna miss those toes!!}

The bio mom has offered to continue communication and wants us to keep in touch with the girls. I'm sending them off with photos of their time with us. I am anxious to keep up with them and see where they are in two years. They have grown so much over the last 8 weeks and I know with even more love and gentle care (and therapy!), they will be thriving in no time.

This was only the beginning. We learned incredible things about each other, our weaknesses, our children's ability to love and share our home and SO much more. It was challenging for sure, but in all the good ways. Dan and I will take a break for the month of September while we get used to our new routine, travel a bit and regroup as a family. Come October, we are excited to take another placement, only this time, ONE child please. We certainly survived with two, but I don't know if we have the time and emotional capacity to learn two little people all over again during such a busy season.

Elijah's First Day

Elijah and Dan drove away at 8:07am this morning. Off to school they went. Just like that. Gone.

There are two things I cannot believe right now:

1. This is Dan's LAST YEAR in seminary. Wow, never thought this year would come!!

2. This is Elijah's first day of pre-school. Honestly, I never planned for this day to come!

When talking about pre-school with other friends of youngins, I heard the following reasons they decided to go through with it, all of which meant absolutely nothing to me:

- It's good for kids to interact with other children. I'm sorry, but Elijah has NO problem making three play dates a day. This boy is social. Besides that, we have kids in and out of our house. He shares a room with three other bodies for goodness sake! If anything, he interacts too much.

- It's good for your kids to have another adult authority in their lives. I believe this is true, which is why we've taught Elijah to respect adults and we give him plenty of opportunities to practice this (Sunday school, weekly babysitters, joining us in adult activities and dinners, etc.).

- Pre-school is a great place for kids to learn how to follow directions. Ok, sure, but shouldn't your kid already know how to do that at four years old???

I really had a hard time saying "yes" to the whole pre-school thing. I taught pre-school when we lived in Malawi. I know what they learn and I was excited to do that with Elijah. I can't believe we are paying someone else to do the things I've been hoping and planning to do with Elijah at home.  I hate to think he'll miss out on our weekly field trips to the Zoo and Science Museum. I hate thinking about rushing him out the door three mornings a week and pushing back nap time so I can pick him up at 12:30pm. Four years old is too early of an age to let go of your child. If Elijah is anything like his daddy, he has 25+ years of school ahead of him. Why start now with a glorified daycare? He is simply too young!

Alright, emotional rant over. In the end,  I said "yes", we signed him up and sent him off to pre-school. It came down to the fact that he will benefit from a break from our home which is always in transition. He can be in a consistent place, grow and learn and be fed intellectually. I just cannot do that for him right now as a foster mom. He's surrounded by toddlers and babies who ruin his plans. School will be a safe place for him to explore, build and try new things without Lazilla knocking it all down. Does he absolutely NEED that? No. He'd be fine if he stayed home, too! I just see school as a gift of relief to Elijah, a way for us to love him while we minister to the kids who come through our revolving door.

Sometimes I feel like I'm putting our foster children first, especially when it came to the pre-school decision. BUT, the truth of it is, we are all learning what it means to sacrifice our wants and needs for other people in the world. That is something I want Elijah to learn how to do well. If he needs to be shipped off to school 3 days a week so I can attend meetings and court dates and love on these lost little babies, well, it's okay!

And trust me, Elijah is every bit excited for school and has NO idea I've had such an emotional struggle with this decision. He's elated and thinks we've given him the world!

Top 10 - Tips For Foster Parents

Maybe some of you have begun thinking about fostering and what it would mean to have someone else's child in your home for a time. Perhaps you've been there and hosted dozens of children throughout the years. Maybe the thought of fostering completely freaks you out!

One thing I've learned during my short walk with my Lord is to be prepared for anything! My life belongs to Christ and I will follow where He leads. Right now, that means being a foster mom (among other things). Dan and I prepared as much as we could, but your first placement is a lot like being a newlywed. You're excited, expectations are WAY too high and you fumble your way through it. Thankfully, I have some amazing friends who've been through it before and were able to give me insight and wisdom. We've been fostering for a month now, and although I would never claim to be an expert, I've learned a lot.

Here are my Top 10 Tips for Foster Parents (just tuck it away...you never know where God may lead you!):

1. Do NOT talk about the bio parents or their case in front of the children. This one is really hard for Dan and I because we rarely have time together when the children are not around. Still, it's super important to have those big talks when little ears cannot hear you.

2. Weekly visits mean weekly dates! Most likely, your foster children will have weekly visits with family. Clear your schedule during that time, find a babysitter for your bio kids (if you have any) and take some time for yourselves. It's important to continually process together what you are experiencing and struggling with as foster parents. As well, you're just going to need a break!!

3. Provide transportation to visits every now and then. So far, I've only done this once, but I plan to do it again soon. It's a great way to help out your case worker (who usually does all of the transportation) and get some face time with bio family. As well, I think it's good for the foster kids to see there is a connection between their bio mommy and foster mommy, that they live in the same world and have a relationship (however awkward or broken that may be).

4. Go to every meeting and court date. Our girls are from another county, so the meetings and such are held an hour outside of St. Louis. It's worth it though! As a foster parent, you have a unique point of view-completely responsible for the children and yet you have no control over the parent's status. I have learned so much from being part of the process and it's helped me give better care to the girls. As well, I've been blessed to connect with their mother, to encourage her and and reassure her. No one else can do that like a foster parent!!

5. Take pictures! Most foster children arrive with nothing in their hands. If you are able, try to snag a few pictures of your foster kids with mom, dad, grandma, siblings, etc. and keep those photos around the house. It's good for them to see mom or dad every day even if they aren't able to see mom or dad every day.

6. Reassure your bio kids that they are not going anywhere. They need to understand the differences between themselves and your foster children. Use age appropriate language to explain why you have foster kids and keep them updated on the case as much as you can. No matter what, they need to know that they are permanent but that foster kids are temporary (until made permanent if the case should turn out that way).

7. Check in with your bio kids regularly. About every 3 days, I use a quiet moment to sit down and chat with Elijah about how he's doing. I ask specific questions to try and feel out what he might be struggling with as a foster sibling. Kids are super adaptable and I honestly believe our boys adjusted within days of the girls first arriving. BUT, you want your bio kids to know you are thinking of them and that they are part of the team. If Elijah ever said he was done, we as a family would be done.

8. Never leave the house alone. Unless you are going on a date or you have a special hour scheduled to yourself, always take a child with you when you leave the house. Need to go to the bank and hit the grocery store? Grab milkshakes on the way and call it a date. It's a great way to connect and have alone time with one of the kids.

9. Keep a journal and update your worker. At first, I kept a journal so I could figure out a feeding/sleeping schedule for baby girl. It quickly turned into a place where I made notes of progress and questions for our case worker. If you are unable to attend a meeting, you can send along the notes so everyone can be updated on the kids' progress or problems. This information is taken into account when decisions are made, so it's super important. As well, if the kids move in with family, it's helpful to pass notes along.

10. Talk about it!! People are interested in fostering. They are confused and amazed by it. People need to know what fostering is really like and you can be a huge window into a world they've never known. There are many people we've met who have said "wow, we thought about fostering but didn't think we could do it. but look at you! you're doing it!". It's an amazing ministry so spread the word!!!

On Being THAT Mom

My day began at 2am when I got called to a birth....It was a false alarm. Note to all you pregnant ladies out there, if you're still talking during contractions while eating strawberries, it's probably not the real deal. Almost every first time mom is guilty of this. I know I was!

Anyway, I slept for 2 more hours before my Sunday really picked up. We managed to get to church despite a certain angsty four year old, two particularly cranky tots and one tired baby. Our big boy cried his way through all of worship, making Dan late to teach the youth Sunday school. What's worse is I had to climb a bazzillion stairs (with a sleeping baby in the sling) trying to sort each child out in their respective places for the morning. Even worse, Elijah never did give us a reason for his fit. I guess he was overdue seeing as how it had been 24 since his last freak out session..

Eventually, Eli settled down, the tots played in the nursery and I had the eldest and the baby with me during the sermon (proving my earlier point about middle children!). I sat in the very back, rolled out our travel car mat and called it good. About 3 minutes into the sermon, I was distracted by a shocking realization :  I am THAT mom, sitting in the back while her kids played with toys. DURING CHURCH!

NO! This can't be me! How did this happen? My children will participate. My children will listen and pray along with the adults because they've been trained to do so, and they will love it! My children won't need to read the words on the big screen because they've memorized every word to every worship song, in their various different languages (we attend a multi-lingual church)!

Well, it happened and I got over it as soon as I saw Elijah and baby girl whisper giggling to each other on the floor together while God's word echoed throughout the sanctuary. Elijah got to learn more about communion and I was ministered to in the midst of a hectic day.

I ended up seeing another client that afternoon....yup. another false alarm. At least I got to sit in church though!

Judgement

Everyone judges. I think a lot of us like to call it "people watching" but come on, we're judging! While looking at the people around us, we are taking it all in and trying to sort them into some category in our minds. Even my children do it and to a degree, it's normal.

I often give people a break in my mind. If someone's driving crazy, I think "well, maybe they have a toddler who needs a potty" or "maybe they are on their way to the hospital!". You really never know a person's situation until you ask and if you can't or don't want to ask, then you just have to give them the benefit of the doubt.

It's strange now when I take the kids out to the park or Target, I can feel the eyes staring at me.  I know they all wonder "why is that baby's head so flat??" and "why is that big girl in diapers?" I can overhear moms of well behaved children comment on my 3 year old girl who runs screaming into the wading pool after I've just gotten her dressed for the ride home. The GLARES burn when I jump in to drag her out, talk with her about it and then when my back is turned, she runs back into that pool.

I want to yell back "You don't know their story! You have no idea where they've come from and what they've been through!". But I do. I know why they look and act the way they do. I also know how sweet they are, how eager they are to be touched, held and loved.

I can't help but feel responsible and judged, and I'm totally ashamed of it. Who cares what people think! Yes, my family is almost always a mess but we're living life and having fun! We are in a tough situation where a lot of things (including discipline, boundaries, health decisions and potty training) are out of our control. The girls came to us with so many physical needs and they are obvious to the public. It's good for me to look back and remember that my job as a foster mom is to love the children in my care, no matter what condition they are in when they arrive. I cannot fix them or control their behavior. I can only do so much and as long as I love, I'm doing my job!

Baby in the Middle

Lately, our calm mild tempered little guy has been doing a lot of this around the house:

Is it possible he's a bit jealous?

 Lazarus is my cuddler. He absolutely without a doubt knows he is loved after a nice long cuddle sesh. Before the girls arrived, I still called him "baby" even though I'm planning his 2nd birthday party! The boy is potty trained but he's my littlest and still a bit chubby. That makes him my baby, right?!

Well, there's a new baby in town and although he absolutely adores his little foster sister, I think he's wishing he could go back in time a bit.

Lazzy loves checking out all the baby seats in the house. He even gets mad if baby is occupying a seat.

Typically, the middle child is the forgotten one, overlooked and pushed aside. Honestly, I think this happens because they are so used to sitting down while the oldest makes a fuss about everything (at least that's how it is in our house!). The problem is, another baby enters the picture and the old baby learns to deal with their new position in the middle. They are not dramatic enough to keep up with the oldest and wouldn't dare give too much attention to the new baby....thus, stuck in the middle they become.

I have to be super careful to still cuddle my Lazzy rascal. He NEEDS me to squeeze him tight and repeat "I love you!" a million times over. It's been proven that the more I cuddle Laz (not all the time but when he needs it), the fewer times he gets himself stuck underneath the couch. 

Note to self : Start and end each day with Lazzy cuddles. My home will have more peace because of it!

Missing the Milestones

Baby sister had her first bites of solids this week! I am so excited for many reasons, but most importantly, I'm excited to see her grow. She is 7 months old now and still working on her sitting skills, but with the help of a Bumbo seat, she's more than eager to eat everything I give her.

{Baby toes!!}

I was so proud while feeding baby girl, watching her learn a new skill and praying for her growth. It's bitter sweet though. I am not supposed to be the one taking the "first bites" pictures. Baby girl's mama missed a sweet moment and I am saddened by that.

This is not the first time that I've witnessed another parent's child hit a milestone. As a nanny, I've seen baby's first steps before parents saw them, although I never ever told!! Still, that was different because I was working for the parents. They hand selected me to be the secondary caregiver for their children and we had a beautiful working relationship.

With fostering, there's a wall between foster and bio parents, an awkwardness that may never go away. I'm just sad that because of the circumstances surrounding baby sister's life, some strange lady like myself will be guiding and teaching her instead of her mama. On the other hand, I'm honored to be that strange lady and hope that with each passing day, I can become someone dear to her. Either way, I could never replace her mama.

Birthday Man

Before kids ever entered our simple picture, birthdays used to be ALLLLLL about the birthday boy or girl. Dan or I would decide what to do with our day, which usually involved Thai food, and we would go about our day, completely selfishly care free.

Sunday was Dan's 28th birthday. I was able to get him gifts, make him a cake and throw him a surprise man party in our back yard (complete with tubs of beer and chips and salsa!). I think he was happy with it. However, it was no where near care free or selfish! We barely sang the birthday song with fits raging in the background. I think Dan literally shoved a piece of cake down his throat so he could deal with two particularly naughty children and I interrupted his birthday phone calls with poop announcements.

I just wanted to take his hand, run down the stairs, jump in the car and drive far far away from this snot ridden chaotic life! Instead, I reminded him that I loved him and said "happy birthday!" frequently throughout the day.

I've always thought of birthdays in a selfish way...it's YOUR day and you can do whatever you want!! But where does that come from?? Birthdays are meant to celebrate life, to remember the connection we have with our mothers who chose life for us and sustained us. The fact that we are alive to celebrate 28 years is simply because of someone else's ability to NOT be selfish!

I was so proud as I watched my husband give up his birthday and serve his family. He wiped noses and chubby bottoms, put up an amazing fight during nap time, fed children, prayed for children, chased and tickled children, and so so much more! It was quite honestly the most self-less birthday I had ever witnessed.

{Dan's self portrait...apparently, he's feeling a little worn out lately.}

Meet the Parents

The girls are scheduled to visit with their parents once a week for an hour. Last week was their third visit since entering the foster care system. Usually, foster parents and bio parents do not meet until a little further into the whole process, but the circumstances in this case made me feel like I should make contact sooner. Nothing is final yet, but let's just say there may not be many opportunities for us to meet in the future.

I was reluctant to go, but I knew it would be good for all of us. Dad wasn't able to come, so it would just be the mamas meeting. I wanted to see her face and for her to see mine. I wanted her to know that I feel honored to care for her children during this difficult time, that I'm on her side and supportive of her getting well.

Honestly, I was a bit worried about what I would feel towards the people who neglected these dear girls, but I'm smarter than that. People just don't set out to hurt their little ones. Circumstances mixed with terrible choices and desperation can really take you to a dark place. It's never something planned in advance. It just happens. My heart aches for these girls and the separation of their family and I know they are all aching, too. I simply wanted to bring a bit of peace and rest into the situation.

Our meeting went well. It was short but sweet. We connected on the subject of childbirth and of course, those gorgeous girls we both love so much. I was able to get some background on big sister's sleeping habits and some understanding and reasoning behind the small size of baby sister. It was good to connect and although I don't know what she thought of me, I think the girls' mommy is a young woman struggling through life, in need of support. I know she believes in life and I'm thankful she chose that road for the girls in the midst of extremely difficult circumstances.

 I just pray for her now, that she would choose to fight for these little lives the way Dan and I are. To fight hard to get better, to trust and hope that things can change if she's willing to give in to all the help around her, namely Christ. I don't want her to give up and now she knows for sure that I am on her side.