Monday, January 9, 2012

Top 10 Reasons We Don't Have a Dog

I grew up in the hills of Tennessee on 5 acres. As long as I can remember, we've never been without a dog and we've had quite a few. I have fond memories of those dogs, mostly the Border Collies (they are the smartest breed after all).

Currently, Pixie and Fin are the canine protectors of my home in the country. I do love them, but the older I get, the harder it is for me to pet them without wincing. There's a few years between us now and I'm growing into more and more of a city girl. I love that my boys get to enjoy them, though.

Outdoor dogs are totally different, but with livin' in the city and all, we would have to keep one inside with us. Cohabitating with us. In our house. On my floors. On my bed. In my kitchen.....and so these are my Top 10 reasons we don't have a dog.

10. Our landlords won't let us have one. Simple as that.

9. Dan is allergic. Any time he is near a dog, his eyes water up and his normal mouth breathing turns into full fledged snoring.

8. Their hair gets everywhere! Supposedly there are breeds that don't shed. I've been around such dogs and ........ um, they do. The hair gets everywhere. I'm already dealing with ungodly amounts of orange fuzz in my house. That last thing I need is dirty dog hair on my sweaters and pillow cases and in the corners of my living room.

7. You have to take them to the lou. Seriously people, you teach them to go on a tree outside, but they never become independent. Every time they have to go, you have to go, too. I cannot imagine doing that every single day.

6. You can't take them anywhere. Unless you live in Seattle, dogs cannot go with you anywhere. If I need to be out all day or want to go on vacation (you know, once every three years), you have to find a dog sitter or at least someone to escort them to their pee tree (see #7). It's too high maintenance.

5. They eat your money. Between special anti-flee collars, dandruff shampoo, bags of Purina and mystery ailments, it  probably costs more to have a dog than our two boys put together.

4. They die on you. Well, not literally on you, but they only stick around for so long. Like I mentioned before, my family has been through it's fair share of dogs. You spend so much time (money, effort, paper towels!) on training them, you spend all day worrying about their potty patterns and their lives are filled with you fixing them and maintaining them. They don't grow up to do amazing things that make you proud of them. No, they just die. And then, you get another one. Repeat.

3. I don't need more reasons to fight with my kids. People often say "Oh, we got a dog for the kids. We wanted them to learn how to be responsible." Oh please, people. Your kids will not learn the art of responsibility because you get them a dog. They learn because you decide to teach them. I'll just teach them to clean their rooms if they want to keep their stuff. In my experience, having a dog just meant their was more bickering between siblings and parents. I can barely get my kids to eat an entire meal in less than 50 minutes and from what I can tell, raising two boys isn't going to get any easier. I'm not ready to throw a dog in the mix.

2. I refuse to become a human pooper scooper! I've cloth diapered two boys. I've washed dirty cloth diapers by hand. But in my mind, there is something terribly wrong with people who get up at 6am, chase their dogs during a cold morning walk and finish it off with a nice hot poop scoop. Only a thin layer of plastic protects their human scoop and the poop. Sure, I've dealt with kid poop, but rarely does it ever come that close to my actual skin. Even with outdoor dogs, you can't run free in the yard without looking out for poop land mines! Sorry, but I don't have time to scrape poop off my shoes with a stick every day.

1. I do NOT like dogs. Wait, that's not fair. I do like some dogs. I like dogs who don't jump on me when I'm getting out of my car. Dogs who don't knock down my children while their owners smile and say things like "Oh, he's just excited. Bear loves children!". Border Collies who have been trained by my family members and will stay away from me when I holler "Get on back!" with a gravely kind of voice. Puppies are ALWAYS cute, but otherwise, I don't like dogs.

*Just so you know, I am not entirely an animal hater. I love horses. My horse Tinker was like the biggest smartest dog I've ever know. AND, he always pooped in one place. As well, like most girls, I love butterflies, unicorns, and kittens (but when they are grown, good riddance! ok, that was a joke).

**Another note-if Dan's face didin't puff up like a hot air balloon at the sight of dogs, we would be having lots and lots of, well, let's call them conversations about getting a dog. I am open to having one outdoors if we do relocate to Africa.


  1. I love this! After being home for Christmas with Bech's parents two very unruly inside dogs, I am more committed than ever to not having a dog (at least not an inside dog!).

  2. I feel the exact same way. I always say "we treat our dogs like dogs. When we get out of the car, we throw the ball a couple of times and pat them on the head and go on about our day." If a dog's not bringin in a paycheck by starring in commercials, or rounding up various livestock, then it's really not of much use to me. Most of my friends think I'm a heartless grouch, but I just don't need a loud animal around. I love this post. Pixie and Fin are enough for me.